10 Secrets of Love...

The First Secret - The Power Of Thought...

Love begins with our thoughts. We become what we think about. Loving thoughts create loving experiences and loving relationships. Affirmations can change our beliefs and thoughts about others and ourselves. If we want to love someone, we need to consider their needs and desires. Thinking about your ideal partner will help you recognize her when you meet her.

The Second Secret - The Power Of Respect...

You cannot love anyone or anything unless you first respect them. The first person you need to respect is yourself. To begin to gain self-respect asks yourself, "What do I respect about myself?" To gain respect for others, even those you may dislike, ask yourself "What do I respect about them?"

The Third Secret - The Power Of Giving...

If you want to receive love, all you have to do is give it! The more love you give, the more you will receive. To love is to give of yourself freely and unconditionally. Practice random acts of kindness. Before committing to a relationship ask not what the other person will be able to give to you, but rather what will you be able to give them. The secret formula of a happy, lifelong, loving relationship is to always focus on what you can give instead of what you can take.

The Fourth Secret - The Power Of Friendship...

To find a true love, you must first find a true friend. Love does not consist of gazing into each other's eyes, but rather looking outward together in the same direction. To love someone completely you must love them for who they are, not what they look like. Friendship is the soil through which love's seeds grow. If you want to bring love into a relationship, you must first bring friendship.

The Fifth Secret - The Power Of Touch...

Touch is one of the most powerful expressions of love, breaking down barriers and bonding relationships. Touch changes our physical and emotional states and makes us more receptive to love.

The Sixth Secret - The Power Of Letting Go...

If you love something, let it free. If it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was. Even in a loving relationship, people need their own space. If we want to learn to love, we must first learn to forgive and let go of past hurts and grievances. Love means letting go of our fears, prejudices, egos and conditions. "Today I let go of all my fears, the past has no power over me - today is the beginning of a new life."

The Seventh Secret - The Power Of Communication...

When we learn to communicate openly and honestly, life changes. To love someone is to communicate with them. Let the people you love know that you love them and appreciate them. Never be afraid to say those three magic words: "I Love you." Never let an opportunity pass to praise someone. Always leave someone you love with a loving word - it could be the last time you see them. If you were about to die but could make telephone calls to the people you loved, who would you call, what would you say and..why are you waiting?

The Eighth Secret - The Power Of Commitment...

If you want to have love in abundance, you must be committed to it, and that commitment will be reflected in your thoughts and actions. Commitment is the true test of love. If you want to have loving relationships, you must be committed to loving relationships. When you are committed to someone or something, quitting is never an option. Commitment distinguishes a fragile relationship from a strong one.

The Ninth Secret - The Power Of Passion...

Passion ignites love and keeps it alive. Lasting passion does not come through physical attraction alone; it comes from deep commitment, enthusiasm, interest and excitement. Passion can be recreated by recreating past experiences when you felt passionate. Spontaneity and surprises produce passion. The essence of love and happiness are the same; all we need to do is to live each day with passion.

The Tenth Secret - The Power Of Trust...

Trust is essential in all loving relationships. Without it one person becomes suspicious, anxious and fearful and the other person feels wrapped and emotionally suffocated. You cannot love someone completely unless you trust them completely. Act as if your relationship with the person you love will never end. One of the ways you can tell whether a person is right for you is to ask yourself, "Do I trust them completely and unreservedly?" If the answer is "no", think carefully before making a commitment.

The truth about men!!!

When you say we don't really talk to you or reveal ourselves to you, we wish you knew just how much we have had to suppress about our desires, pains, fears, and vulnerability over the years to conform to the script of masculinity that we are given. Sometimes we don't open up because we are afraid of what we will find. We are also afraid that if you see who we really are, in all our flawed humanity (and not the flaws that annoy you, like being untidy or driving fast), you won't like us.

Men do communicate, often very directly, but women sometimes cannot accept how simple what we have to say is. We seldom play games—we aren't that sophisticated. If we don't call you for a couple of days after a date, it is because either we are afraid you will think we are stalkers (and we will call on day three) or we aren't into you. That's all there is.

We are as nervous as you are about sex; I don't care what you've heard. Your anatomy is a mystery that nobody bothers explaining to us. Even when we think we have mastered one woman's body, every body is different. We feel inadequate if we can't satisfy you in bed, and since no one has told us what to do with feelings of inadequacy, we project them onto you. Sad but true.

We are very insecure about how we look and what you really think about us, and we are excited when you do small, nice things for us like make coffee or come with us to the barber or just buy us a good book. We've been trained never to show this side to you, but it is there.

We are not subtle creatures. You might think that when you play with your hair in our presence, we know that means you like us. We don't know for sure. Men who do are bad men (sorry, guys!). And anything you've been told about playing hard to get is wrong.

We crave cuddling and hand-holding, maybe even more than you do.

We are desperate to please you because we know you are far sexier and more beautiful than you will ever admit to yourself, and we're confused (but extremely happy) as to why you like us.

Here's the thing: You rescue us every day in small, quiet ways, so why not in this way? Let us into your mystery, tell us how you would like to be loved, show us how to see you, really see you.

How Hard You Trying???

I just came across this in a newsletter I received. It hit me like a freight train. Shook me out of my somberness. Now if I can just apply it.

"If you only take a second-rate attempt at saving your marriage, the results you see are only going
to be second-rate at best."

At times we may feel like we are making no progress with our efforts. We may feel like no matter what we do, nothing is changing. But, we may just need to step back and view the quality or standards we have set for those efforts. Are we giving it our all or are we just giving enough effort for use to be convinced that we are giving it our all? Are our attempts first rate or second rate?

Making Relationships Work

Here a few key steps I heard recently about how to make a relationship work. I wanted to post them here so I could reference them from time to time.

• Recognize and respect your differences.
• Talk to each other.
• Be respectful.
• Reinforce the positives and minimize the negatives.
• Don't blame.
• Be honest with each other.
• See things from each other person's perspective.
• Don't judge.
• Spend time together.
• Have fun with each other.
  

50 ways to show love...

1. Watch the sunset together.
2. Whisper to each other.
3. Cook for each other.
4. Walk in the rain.
5. Hold hands.
6. Buy gifts for each other.
7. Roses.
8. Find out their favorite cologne/perfume and wear it every time you're together.
9. Go for a long walk down the beach at midnight.
10. Write poetry for each other.
11. Hugs are the universal medicine.
12. Say I love you, only when you mean it and make they know you mean it.
13. Give random gifts of flowers/candy/poetry etc.
14. Tell her that she's the only girl you ever want. Don't lie.
15. Spend every second possible together.
16. Look into each others eyes.
17. Very lightly push up her chin, look into her eyes, tell her you love her, and kiss her lightly.
18. When in public, only flirt w/ each other.
19. Put love notes in their pockets when they aren't looking.
20. Buy her a ring.
21. Sing to each other.
22. Always hold her around her hips/sides.
23. Take her to dinner and do the dinner for two deal.
24. Spaghetti (Ever see Lady and the Tramp?)
25. Hold her hand, stare into her eyes, kiss her hand and then put it over your heart.
26. Dance together.
27. I love the way a girl looks right after shes fallen asleep with her head in my lap.
28. Do cute things like write I love you in a note so that they have to look in a mirror to read it.
29. Make excuses to call them every 5 minutes
30. Even if you are really busy doing something, go out of your way to call and say I love you.
31. Call from your vacation spot to tell them you were thinking about them.
32. Remember your dreams and tell her about them.
34. Tell each other your most sacred secrets/fears.
35. Be Prince Charming to her parents. (Brownie Points)
36. Brush her hair out of her face for her.
37. Hang out with his/her friends. (more brownie points)
38. Go to church/pray/worship together.
39. Take her to see a romantic movie and remember the parts she liked.
40. Learn from each other and don't make the same mistake twice.
41. Describe the joy you feel just to be with him/her.
42. Make sacrifices for each other.
43. Really love each other, or don't stay together.
44. Let there never be a second during any given day that you aren't thinking about them, and make sure they know it.
45. Love yourself before you love anyone else.
46. Learn to say sweet things in foreign languages.
47. Dedicate songs to them on the radio.
48. Fall asleep on the phone with each other.
49. Stand up for them when someone talks trash.
50. Never forget the kiss goodnight. And always remember to say, "Sweet dreams."

Handling Love...

If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person's heart.

If you find someone else in love with you and you don't love her/him, feel honoured that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage, do not cause pain.

How you deal with love is how you deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are different.

If you fall in love with another, and she falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame, Let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time.

Remember that you don't choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away.

Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you.
Give it to others who deem it poor in spirit.
Give it to the world around you in anyway you can.

This is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need. They see their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love, and they begin to look at love as something that flows to them rather than from them.

The first blush of new love is filled to overflowing, but as their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as need. They cease to be someone who generates love and instead become someone who seeks love. They forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to grow only by giving it away.

Remember this, and keep it to your heart. Love has its own time, its own seasons, and its own reason for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into saying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you.

But if it chooses to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do. Love always has been and always will be a mystery.

Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life.Don't deny love just only you don't want to be hurt... IF YOU KEEP YOUR HEART OPEN, IT WILL COME AGAIN

Secrets of Love...

The First Secret - The Power Of Thought...

Love begins with our thoughts. We become what we think about. Loving thoughts create loving experiences and loving relationships. Affirmations can change our beliefs and thoughts about others and ourselves. If we want to love someone, we need to consider their needs and desires. Thinking about your ideal partner will help you recognize her when you meet her.

The Second Secret - The Power Of Respect...

You cannot love anyone or anything unless you first respect them. The first person you need to respect is yourself. To begin to gain self-respect asks yourself, "What do I respect about myself?" To gain respect for others, even those you may dislike, ask yourself "What do I respect about them?"

The Third Secret - The Power Of Giving...

If you want to receive love, all you have to do is give it! The more love you give, the more you will receive. To love is to give of yourself freely and unconditionally. Practice random acts of kindness. Before committing to a relationship ask not what the other person will be able to give to you, but rather what will you be able to give them. The secret formula of a happy, lifelong, loving relationship is to always focus on what you can give instead of what you can take.

The Fourth Secret - The Power Of Friendship...

To find a true love, you must first find a true friend. Love does not consist of gazing into each other's eyes, but rather looking outward together in the same direction. To love someone completely you must love them for who they are, not what they look like. Friendship is the soil through which love's seeds grow. If you want to bring love into a relationship, you must first bring friendship.

The Fifth Secret - The Power Of Touch...

Touch is one of the most powerful expressions of love, breaking down barriers and bonding relationships. Touch changes our physical and emotional states and makes us more receptive to love.

The Sixth Secret - The Power Of Letting Go...

If you love something, let it free. If it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was. Even in a loving relationship, people need their own space. If we want to learn to love, we must first learn to forgive and let go of past hurts and grievances. Love means letting go of our fears, prejudices, egos and conditions. "Today I let go of all my fears, the past has no power over me - today is the beginning of a new life."

The Seventh Secret - The Power Of Communication...

When we learn to communicate openly and honestly, life changes. To love someone is to communicate with them. Let the people you love know that you love them and appreciate them. Never be afraid to say those three magic words: "I Love you." Never let an opportunity pass to praise someone. Always leave someone you love with a loving word - it could be the last time you see them. If you were about to die but could make telephone calls to the people you loved, who would you call, what would you say and..why are you waiting?

The Eighth Secret - The Power Of Commitment...

If you want to have love in abundance, you must be committed to it, and that commitment will be reflected in your thoughts and actions. Commitment is the true test of love. If you want to have loving relationships, you must be committed to loving relationships. When you are committed to someone or something, quitting is never an option. Commitment distinguishes a fragile relationship from a strong one.

The Ninth Secret - The Power Of Passion...

Passion ignites love and keeps it alive. Lasting passion does not come through physical attraction alone; it comes from deep commitment, enthusiasm, interest and excitement. Passion can be recreated by recreating past experiences when you felt passionate. Spontaneity and surprises produce passion. The essence of love and happiness are the same; all we need to do is to live each day with passion.

The Tenth Secret - The Power Of Trust...

Trust is essential in all loving relationships. Without it one person becomes suspicious, anxious and fearful and the other person feels wrapped and emotionally suffocated. You cannot love someone completely unless you trust them completely. Act as if your relationship with the person you love will never end. One of the ways you can tell whether a person is right for you is to ask yourself, "Do I trust them completely and unreservedly?" If the answer is "no", think carefully before making a commitment.

The choice is love or distance. Which do you choose?

By Susie and Otto Collins

Oddly enough, there's a relationship strategy that
almost every tries at one time or another that they think
will make things better but almost never does...

Talk about a communication challenge-this is certainly one
of the biggest!

Here's what frequently happens...

When we are in a relationship with someone (especially
our intimate partner or spouse) and we get triggered or
upset, the first thing that usually happens is that we shut
down to the other person in some way or another.

Some of us get mad or just peeved and some of us
withdraw, either agreeing to something we don't want or
disagreeing but withdrawing our energy.

However you shut down, the outcome is still the same-
disconnection.

When you shut down emotionally or energetically, you are
nowhere close to coming together on an agreement
and a way to proceed to resolve the difference when this
happens.

No matter how insignificant the issue, resentment can
build and continue to separate you from the love and
connection that you both may want.

You start doing what we call "talking on eggshells," not really
saying what you mean because irritation seems to be a
constant between you.

So what can you do when this happens?

How can you learn to say what you mean when it's important
to do so and it's difficult to do so?

Although it may seem like the complete opposite of what you
might want to do or what might feel natural to do-- one of
the best things you can do when you're having a difficult
moment in your relationship or marriage is to open, even
when it's difficult to do it.

Everything you do either moves you closer to or further from
the love that you really want. It's the choices you make in
every moment that make the difference whether you keep
a relationship alive or deaden it.

And, opening is a choice that you can make.

So how do you open up when you're triggered and feel closed,
angry, or withdrawn toward the other person?

Here are 3 tips to help you to open so that the two of you
can begin to come to a resolution about whatever differences
you might be experiencing...

1. Own your stories-What is it you are telling yourself
about this situation? Are you holding on to being right?
Take a moment and listen in on what you are saying to
yourself about this situation. Ask yourself what it would
mean to get your way or if you didn't get your way. What are
you telling yourself being right or getting your way will
prove?

2. Remember that you love or even like this person-What is
your desire with this relationship? If it's connection and
love, then bring your thoughts back to why you love this
person, even though you may both be at odds at the moment.
Remember that you aren't always at odds (even though you may
think you are at the moment) and bring your mind and heart
back to times when you were on the same page.

3. Share and listen with love-What is it that you want to
share from your heart? Be curious about what you want and
also what the other wants. Know that you both have choice
and listen and share from that feeling of wide openness.

Opening when you are triggered is a choice. You can stay
stuck in negativity, possibly harming your relationship and
certainly making your life miserable-or you can choose to
open to maybe another alternative or way of doing things.

The choice is love or distance. Which do you choose?

How to Reconcile

Steps for a Successful Reconciliation

By Angela Coleman

Step1
Make sure you want to reconcile your marriage for all the right motives. Reconciling because of your children or because of financial reasons or because you simply don't want to be alone are not good reasons to get back with your spouse. You and your "ex" should be motivated by mutual love, because that is the foundation that any successful marriage should be built upon..

Step2

Get to the root cause of what problems caused your marriage to disintegrate in the first place. Since it may be difficult to discuss these things honestly on your own, the wisest thing would be to seek help from a professional marriage counselor, who can aid you in determining the factors that caused your relationship to fall apart. Since a counselor can be objective, he or she can help you define your areas of conflict and assist you in resolving your differences.

Step3

Take things slow. Never allow yourself to be pressured into rushing into a reconciliation. It takes time to rebuild trust and to learn to communicate with each other better. Jumping into renewing your marriage before you are ready for it could result in yet another failure of your relationship, so only make a commitment when both of you are really prepared to do so.

Step4

Learn to focus on the positive. Divorced/Separated couples are so used to putting the emphasis on the faults, mistakes and shortcomings of each other that they fail to remember all of the things that made them fall in love. Concentrate on each other's strengths and learn to appreciate your spouse's best qualities.

Step5

Communicate with each other. So many marriages disintegrate because a couple stops communicating with each other. Share your expectations, be honest, if you feel hurt, and be willing to listen to each other's point of view. Talk things out in a loving, respectful way and never let your anger get out of hand.

Step6

Forgive. Before you can proceed towards reconciliation, you and your spouse need to wipe the slate clean of past grudges and hurts. See your relationship as a new beginning and let go of old resentments.

Step7

Inform your family, only after your reconciliation is definite. Naturally, your children may be hoping for you and your spouse to get back together and if you raise their hopes prematurely, it could be devastating. Letting your spouse move back into your home too soon could cause confusion. When your relationship seems to be on more solid footing, then you can let your kids know that you and your ex-spouse plan to reunite.

Ten Destructive Habits That Demolish Trust

Ten Destructive Habits That Demolish Trust

Dr. Frank Gunzburg

1. Neglecting Your Partner. Attention is one of the building blocks of trust. Neglect is its antithesis. If you consistently neglect your partner, you can be assured that any trust you’ve developed will falter. Be attentive, not neglectful. Here are some ways you might be neglecting your partner:

2. Angry Outbursts. Anger is a feeling. At some time, each of us gets angry. It’s what you do with your anger that can harm your relationship. The caution here is that even when you are angry, be respectful and reassure your partner that you are just angry, not dismissing or un-loving them.

3. Unfair Accusations. You will get nowhere by accusing your partner of not caring about you, having never loved you, going out with their paramour when they are five minutes late from work, trying to take revenge on you, or intentionally trying to hurt you. Accusation is not a good way to rebuild your relationship. It makes your partner defensive, and a combination of accusation and defensiveness generally just leads to useless arguments.

4. Constant Fighting. Fighting all the time is akin to being angry all the time. It simply doesn’t work to create a healthy and loving atmosphere in which a relationship can flourish in.

5. Taking Revenge. Revenge in any form is a mistake. You certainly don’t want to take revenge and have an affair yourself. Nor do you want to get involved in any other kind of revenge. We have already discussed that issue. Even small ways of being vengeful, like snapping at your partner when they say something you don’t like, biting sarcasm, or saying passive, hurtful things to or about them, should be avoided.

6. Disrespectful or Demeaning Comments. These don’t serve any kind of healthy relationship, and you should particularly avoid them if you are recovering from an affair. There is always a cleaner, more direct way to communicate your needs than being demeaning.

Some people, for example, combine their own frustration with a simple request such as, “Will you open the door for me, please.” The combination of the frustration (whether it is related to the request) and the request make the person sound angry. If they are frequently frustrated or overwhelmed, they might come across as always being angry or always talking with an angry voice to their partner. Situations like this are not demeaning by intent, but that is the unintentional impact.

7. Nagging. You certainly will have to make requests of each other from time to time, and you might have to do so multiple times in a day. Asking once or twice about something is okay. Once you go beyond that, you will probably be accused of nagging. If a responsible adult needs more than a few reminders, then some other issue is at work. This is when you need a conversation about the request and whatever issue might be present around that request. Think of times when your partner has nagged you; what issue was going on for you that kept it going? Now think of a time when you nagged your partner. Make a guess about what issue was going on for them that kept it going.

8. Intentionally Engaging in Irritating Habits. If you intentionally annoy your partner by engaging in habits that you know irritate them, then you are not doing all you can to rebuild the trust in your relationship. Cease the behavior, and look at what lies beneath your desire to irritate.

9. Selfish Demands. A relationship isn’t about you. It isn’t about your partner either. It’s about both of you together as a unit. You need to have your needs met in order for the relationship to function in a healthy way. However, selfish demands do not fall in line with this. These kinds of demands inhibit trust by telling your partner you think your needs are more important than their needs. End the selfishness. Open up to the world of sharing your life with your partner.

10. Dishonesty. I left this for the end of the list because if there is one of the 10 destructive habits that I want you to remember to avoid, it’s this one. The only thing dishonesty can achieve is a breakdown in trust. It serves nothing else. Don’t get confused into thinking that dishonesty will make your life easier later or that you are somehow protecting your autonomy by lying. It won’t, and you aren’t. Dishonesty only serves to further hamper your progress toward a more beautiful relationship.

If you employ the other strategies in this chapter and avoid these 10 destructive habits, your relationship will warm up again and you will learn to trust your partner.

Letting Go

``Letting Go''

To ``let go'' does not mean to stop caring.

It means I can't do it for someone else.

To ``let go'' is not to cut myself off.

It's the realization I can't control another.

To ``let go'' is not to enable,

but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To ``let go'' is to admit powerlessness

which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To ``let go'' is not to try to change or blame another.

It's to make the most of myself.

To ``let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.

To ``let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To ``let go'' is not to judge,

but to allow another to be a human being.

To ``let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,

but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To ``let go'' is not to be protective.

It's to permit another to face reality.

To ``let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.

To ``let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue,

but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To ``let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,

but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To ``let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires

but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To ``let go'' is to not regret the past,

but to grow and live for the future.

To ``let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE.

Unable to detach!!!

What happens if we are unable to detach or if we think detaching is the wrong thing to do for our relationship. Let’s take a look at what can happen.

If you are unable to detach from our spouse than:

• They will feel controlled by you.
• They will feel pressured by you.
• They will feel manipulated by you.
• You run the risk of over obsessing on them and forgetting about yourself.
• You will run the risk of doing things or giving them things that YOU think they would want you to do or that they would want, when they do not.
• You will appear to be weak, clingy and needy.
• You will not be able to see that your spouse can do things for themselves and they are not as helpless as you think.
• You will be blinded be your own perception and assumptions about your spouse and your relationship.
• You will be obsessed with the need to be perfect and over accommodating, which will make you loose the real you.
• You may become controlled by anger, rage or resentment.
• You may become driven by guilt and emotional dependence.
• You will loose the ability to make rational, positive decisions.
• You will loose the ability to set goals for yourself and for your relationship.
• You will loose your self respect and self esteem.
• Worst of all YOU WILL push your spouse farther and faster away from you!!!

What are some irrational thoughts that lead to your inability to detach?

Posted on coping.org

• If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?
• They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement.
• You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them.
• They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now would be a crime.
• You need them as much as they need you.
• You can't control yourself because everyday you promise yourself "today is the day'' you will detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their needs.
• They have so many problems, they need you.
• Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love and care for a person. It's either 100% all the way or no way at all.
• If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.
• How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do more to help them.
• Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.
• You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?
• The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your life.
• If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems, and troubles.
• When they are in "trouble'' how can you ignore their "pleas'' for help? It seems cruel and inhuman.
• When you see people in trouble, confused, and hurting, you must always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.
• When you meet people who are "helpless,'' you must step in to give them assistance, advice, support, and direction.
• You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional, or physical, when another is in dire need of help.
• You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy and successful.
• You can never "give too much'' when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting, and care of those whom you love and cherish.
• No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must always be forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and support.
• Tough love is a cruel, inhuman, and anti-loving philosophy of dealing with the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love them more when they are in trouble since "love'' is the answer to all problems.
  

If you agree with any of the irrational thoughts above, on why you should not detach, then please go back to the top of this blog and re-read “If you are unable to detach from our spouse than” and then visit the blog titled "Detachment What Is It." You must detach!!!

Detachment "What Is It?

I think that most people, like myself once, do not understand what it means to detach from our relationships. The verb itself (to detach) sounds so final.

de·tach–verb

1. to unfasten and separate; disengage; disunite

How are any of those going to help me get closer to my spouse? I don’t want to separate; disengage; disunite from them. Just the opposite I want to attach, cling, and affix myself to them. I do not want to lose them. If I detach that means I am giving up, calling it quits, throwing in the tall. Forget detaching!!! I am holding on to the person I love, even tighter then ever before. Well my friend, that kind of thinking is going to sink your relationship faster than an iceberg sinking the Titanic.

Until you detach yourself from your spouse, you can not begin bailing the water out of your sinking ship. You have got to let them go in order to get them back. Does that sound counterproductive or even ignorant??? Well then let’s take a deeper look into what detachment is.

Detachment in a relationship is:

• Giving the space your spouse is asking for and respecting that space. Allowing them to be themselves and to do what THEY want to do. Giving them their freedom.
• Giving up the need to fix them, change them or control them. No matter how destructive or irrational, YOU think their actions may be.
• Accepting that YOU can not change or control your spouse.
• Becoming your own entity and not relying on your spouse or your relationship to make you feel complete.
• Creating your own independence and self worth.
• Letting go of the need to focus on what you believe to be your spouse’s errors or faults.
• Taking responsibility for your own actions, errors and faults.
• The Ability to love your spouse unconditionally and to expect nothing in return.
• Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than, who you "want them to be.''
• Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by your spouse.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by thruit

Today I will practice detachment by letting go of things. I can’t control. Detachment means standing back and looking at a situation without having a hand in it. Watching fireworks is practicing detachment. Flying a kite is not. Allowing friends the freedom to have their own opinions is practicing detachment. Feeling compelled to change their minds is not. Watching a child create her own drawing is practicing detachment. Holding her hand while she draws is not.

I can’t control other people, their actions, or their beliefs by forcing them to act or believe as I do. Detachment helps me see the big picture, since I can see things more clearly from a distance.

Today, and from now on, I will practice taking care of myself by detaching from people or situations that aren’t good for me.

Today I will pay close attention to when I am trying to force the issue, and I’ll remember that my time would be better spent leaving it alone.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Detachment “Can You?” a.k.a. Let go or be dragged ...

Posted by Viveca

I was on this very topic yesterday with a friend. Her parting words were something like it sounded like a good idea but she had “never been good at detaching.” Hours went by before I had the “ah ha!” Detachment doesn’t come easily to anyone! It is one of the most difficult of all the Love Skills to master …

Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. Separating ourselves from the adverse affects of another person’s behavior can be a means of detaching: This does not necessarily require physical separation. Detachment can help us look at our situations realistically and objectively.

Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another’s behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We can still Love the person without liking the behavior.
~ Al-Anon Family Groups

Detachment means you can stop:
Suffering because of the actions or reactions of other people
Allowing yourself to be used or abused by others
Doing for others what they can do for themselves
Manipulating situations so others will eat, got to bed, pay bills, exercise, or do whatever you think they “should” do
Covering up for another’s mistakes or misdeeds
Creating a Crisis
Preventing a crisis if it is in the natural course of events

Detachment Practices:

SO = Significant Other a.k.a anyone who inspires your need to control or pushes your buttons * anger, fear, resentment … If they weren’t significant, you wouldn’t care!

Detach from your need to be right, smarter, better, …

Detach from your habit of anger, resentment, overwhelm, feeling taken advantage of …
What is your emotional habit? Everyone has one.

Detach from the habit of repressing and going “numb.”
Get “it” out in a healthy physical way…like working out, walking, gardening, posting on relationship forums, journaling… vs. an unhealthy way … like drinking, smoking, eating, ulcering, insomnia, hair loss ….

Detach from shutting down, literally, when you are in pain.
How do you shut down? Is it working for you?

Detach from the need to suffer in silence.
“Isolation is the darkroom in which we develop our negatives.” +

Finally … detachment is a Love Skill. Just like any skill – cooking (yikes!), hitting a killer backhand shot, and dancing Salsa - it requires practice and patience to master. We are programmed to worry, blame and try to control other people and situations. Just for today try something new and start building a life you’ll Love to share with that very special SO…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is detachment?

Posted by: Remez Sasson

There is some misunderstanding about the meaning of detachment. What is detachment? Does it mean being indifferent, lazy or lacking warmth and compassion? No, this is not true detachment!

True detachment is a state of not getting disturbed or agitated by external events and by yours and other people’s emotions and thoughts. It is a state of staying calm and in control of yourself and your moods in every situation, without feeling being harassed or hurried by people or circumstances.

Detachment shows itself in lack of attachment to the results of your actions, and in accepting the consequences of what you do. Instead of getting nervous, angry, agitated or unhappy, if things go wrong, you stay calm and try again. In this sense, detachment shows itself as inner peace, inner strength and courage.

A truly detached person would act, work study or do everything else with attention and to the best of his ability, without laziness or indifference, but also with full detachment as to the results. There is no waste of time and energy on thinking about the ‘why’ and ‘what if’.

You can make plans, work and live an active life, but yet, maintain an inner state of detachment. You can love, be happy and enjoy life, but be emotionally and mentally unaffected by circumstances, situations and people. It is a matter of attitude.

I know this might seem impossible for some people, but nothing is impossible with some training and inner work.

Improve your life with inner detachment.

Are you quick to get angry?
Are you easily affected by what people say or think about you?
Do your moods go up and down often?
Can an insignificant, unpleasant incident destroy your whole day?
Are you happy with this situation? Probably not!
The good news is that by developing some inner detachment, you can change this situation.

Most people allow external influences affect their moods and behavior, and do nothing to stop this state of affairs. Being emotionally affected by external situations and by what people say or do often brings needless unhappiness, anger and suffering. Yet, most people do not do anything about this state of affairs, because they regard it as a natural part of life.

Imagine how free, relieved and happy you would be, if you could stay calm and poised in the midst of whatever is happening in your life. Think how much physical, emotional and mental energy you could spare, if you were able to avoid being upset, angry or moody.

Emotional agitation, anger and hurt feelings bring a lot of distress and lead nowhere, except more pain, suffering and broken relationships. They disturb your mind, disrupt your concentration, and prevent you from focusing on the matters at hand. If you wish to enjoy inner peace, it is imperative that you try to gain at least some degree of inner detachment.

Possessing inner detachment does not mean that your life will be worry-free, and that nothing will ever disturb your inner poise. You will still encounter disturbing circumstances and disturbing people; however, your attitude toward them and the way you react would change.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hope the above information has given you anew perspective or outlook on what it means to detach from your spouse or your relationship. I know at first the idea sounded counter productive to me and I struggled with it for quite sometime. But, it was not until I truly began to detach, did I start to see things clearer, see things from my spouse’s perspective, get a clear head and the ability to think and put together my goals and how I was going to move forward. I hope you to can begin to detach and move forward with your goals and you’re new live. BECAUSE YOU TRULY CAN NOT UNTIL YOU DETACH!!!

Building Walls

This is a very insightful read that I found in a book called "The Walk Out Women" by Dr. Steven Stephens & Alice Gray. The book is written mainly for the Walk Away Wife, but it has a lot of very insightful information for men. I have changed the wording a bit to make it more applicable for both sexes.

Marriage walls start small--a single brick and then another, a thoughtless remark, a testy reply, a sigh of frustration, a decision that working through a particular problem is just isn't worth it. At first the wall seems so insignificant that you hardly notice it, or if you do you can easily step over it. However ignoring it is the worst thing you can do, because unless the early layers are knocked down, the all gets higher with each unresolved frustration or challenge. Before you realize it, it is so high you can't crawl over it, and soon you loose touch and sight of each other. One day when you try to reach out, you'll find out the barrier can not be penetrated. You're on separate sides leading more or less separate lives, with little in common and little to talk about.

When marriages reach this point, counselors call them "parallel marriages" or " "emotional divorces." Others see the husband and wife as "married, but single." Whatever name they go by, it seems so tragic when a husband and wife who once loved spending many hours together now avoid each other as much as possible, separated by a wall that one or both have built.

Why Build a Wall?

Very simple, a wall is for protection. We build walls and fences around our homes to keep our children safe inside and to keep dangerous intruders out. The same principle applies when we build walls in our marriages: We are walling something in and/or something out. When you have been deeply wounded, it is difficult to continually expose yourself to hurt and disappointment, so the walls you build may be forms of self-protection. By locking your love and desire inside, you feel less vulnerable. Even if you long for emotional intimacy, you might be plagued by fearful thoughts: If I let my guard down, they will disappoint me. I can't risk being hurt and going through the pain again.

The risk of being hurt is part of any relationship. Caution and concern are natural and may be necessary at times. But the walls you build to protect yourself can also trap you inside--stunting your growth, blocking your vision, and fueling your fear. Soon this fear becomes so strong that you start believing you cannot survive one more hurt.

Walling your spouse out is a sincere attempt to protect yourself from this pain. But by locking your emotions safe inside, you lock your spouse outside. You emotionally disengage, keep distance between the two of you. This may cause tension, but you don't necessarily mind because tension helps the distance grow even wider. You might even be grateful for it since you lack the energy or desire to work on the relationship. However, this type of protection can set in place patterns of events that numb you to love and can permanently separate you from your spouse not only emotionally, but at every level.

One women who responded to our marriage survey described her walls this way: “I've been hurt, angry and disappointed for so long that I don't want to resolve problems. I just want to start over.” When someone has been hurting this deeply, it is natural for them to reinforce the wall—adding more bricks and spreading extra mortar in the cracks—doing everything they can to keep their spouse from reaching their heart.

Mortar and Bricks

The beginning of the wall building is often unintentional, but if you don't stop the process, the power of making it higher and stronger becomes almost addictive. If you are in the habit of blaming and complaining instead of reasoning and resolving, it is likely that you are feeding the addiction. You soon realize that building the wall isn't just about protecting yourself; it is also a way of hurting your spouse. You come to see them as the enemy—the cause of painful conflict, hurtful words, broken promises, belittling, criticism, and thoughtlessness—so you reach for the bricks and mortar. If you are wondering what kind of actions build walls, here are just a few examples:

Silence. You may deprive your spouse of connecting with you by refusing to talk to them or, when they try to talk to you, refusing to respond—or give vague, evasive, fake answers. Inside you feel too worn out even to discuss the issue, you may tell yourself that he doesn't really care so there's no point in talking, or you may be consciously trying to punish him.

Coldness. You keep your spouse at a distance by refusing to show them, kindness, affection, or vulnerability. You may be openly rude or coldly polite, but wither way, you lock your heart by not showing emotions—not even tears.

Sexual withdrawal. You seldom are “in the mood” and you deprive your spouse of intimacy by avoiding physical connection, even touch. You may ignore them or belittle them if they don't approach you in the right way or at the right time—or even you may just always have an excuse.
Intensity. Attacking, threatening, or manipulating your spouse wither verbally or non-verbally. This can be done with a glare, a certain tone of voice, or an aggressive body posture. Anyway you send it, the message is clear: Just stay away or you will regret it.

Busyness. You may be preoccupied with hobbies, children's activities, work related duties, friends and church responsibilities. You are rarely home when your spouse is, and when you are, you just don't have time to connect with or give attention to them.

You may not be the only one building the wall, of course. In fact, you probably aren't the only one. Your spouse is on the other side, adding their own bricks and mortar to wall themselves in and keep you out.

The tragedy of this whole process is that the more the two of you try to protect yourselves, the more harm you are doing to each other and to your marriage. Whatever materials you use to build your walls—and however high they have grown—our hearts go out to you because you are avoiding all that will help your relationship and choosing instead what will destroy it. Although you are just trying to protect yourself, you are actually building a deadly trap that undermines communication and destroys hope.

If the wall between you continues to grow, before long it will cast a shadow over everything good in your relationship. If it is not torn down, it will ultimately end your marriage. What is divorce, but the final brick in the wall between to people? Just as tragic is when you remain together but the wall between you grows so thick that you have a marriage in name only—devoid of the support and intimacy that was intended for marriage.

Poem by Richard A. McCray

Walls

Their wedding picture mocked them from the table,
these two whose minds no longer touched each other.
They lived with such a heavy barricade between them
that neither battering ram or words
nor artilleries of touch could break it down.

Somewhere between the oldest child's first tooth
and the youngest daughter's graduation,
they lost each other.

Through out the years each slowly unraveled
that tangled ball of string called self,
and as they tugged at stubborn knots,
each hid his searching from the other.

Sometimes she cried at night and
begged the whispering darkness to tell her who she was.
He lay beside her, like a hibernating bear,
unaware of her winter.

Once, after they had made love,
he wanted to tell her how afraid he was of dying,
but, fearful to show his naked soul,
he spoke instead of the beauty of her breast.

She took a course on modern art,
trying to find herself in colors splashed upon a canvas,
complaining to the other women about men
who are insensitive.

He climbed into a tomb called "The Office"
wrapped his mind in a shroud of paper figures,
and buried himself in customers.

Slowly the wall between them rose, cemented by
the mortar of indifference.

One day, reaching out to touch each other,
they found a barrier they could not penetrate,
and, recoiling from the coldness of the stone,
each retreated from the stranger on the other side.

For when love dies, it is not in a moment of angry battle,
nor when fiery bodies lose their heat.
It lies panting, exhausted,
expiring at the bottom of the wall it could not scale.