The choice is love or distance. Which do you choose?

By Susie and Otto Collins

Oddly enough, there's a relationship strategy that
almost every tries at one time or another that they think
will make things better but almost never does...

Talk about a communication challenge-this is certainly one
of the biggest!

Here's what frequently happens...

When we are in a relationship with someone (especially
our intimate partner or spouse) and we get triggered or
upset, the first thing that usually happens is that we shut
down to the other person in some way or another.

Some of us get mad or just peeved and some of us
withdraw, either agreeing to something we don't want or
disagreeing but withdrawing our energy.

However you shut down, the outcome is still the same-
disconnection.

When you shut down emotionally or energetically, you are
nowhere close to coming together on an agreement
and a way to proceed to resolve the difference when this
happens.

No matter how insignificant the issue, resentment can
build and continue to separate you from the love and
connection that you both may want.

You start doing what we call "talking on eggshells," not really
saying what you mean because irritation seems to be a
constant between you.

So what can you do when this happens?

How can you learn to say what you mean when it's important
to do so and it's difficult to do so?

Although it may seem like the complete opposite of what you
might want to do or what might feel natural to do-- one of
the best things you can do when you're having a difficult
moment in your relationship or marriage is to open, even
when it's difficult to do it.

Everything you do either moves you closer to or further from
the love that you really want. It's the choices you make in
every moment that make the difference whether you keep
a relationship alive or deaden it.

And, opening is a choice that you can make.

So how do you open up when you're triggered and feel closed,
angry, or withdrawn toward the other person?

Here are 3 tips to help you to open so that the two of you
can begin to come to a resolution about whatever differences
you might be experiencing...

1. Own your stories-What is it you are telling yourself
about this situation? Are you holding on to being right?
Take a moment and listen in on what you are saying to
yourself about this situation. Ask yourself what it would
mean to get your way or if you didn't get your way. What are
you telling yourself being right or getting your way will
prove?

2. Remember that you love or even like this person-What is
your desire with this relationship? If it's connection and
love, then bring your thoughts back to why you love this
person, even though you may both be at odds at the moment.
Remember that you aren't always at odds (even though you may
think you are at the moment) and bring your mind and heart
back to times when you were on the same page.

3. Share and listen with love-What is it that you want to
share from your heart? Be curious about what you want and
also what the other wants. Know that you both have choice
and listen and share from that feeling of wide openness.

Opening when you are triggered is a choice. You can stay
stuck in negativity, possibly harming your relationship and
certainly making your life miserable-or you can choose to
open to maybe another alternative or way of doing things.

The choice is love or distance. Which do you choose?