How to Reconcile

Steps for a Successful Reconciliation

By Angela Coleman

Step1
Make sure you want to reconcile your marriage for all the right motives. Reconciling because of your children or because of financial reasons or because you simply don't want to be alone are not good reasons to get back with your spouse. You and your "ex" should be motivated by mutual love, because that is the foundation that any successful marriage should be built upon..

Step2

Get to the root cause of what problems caused your marriage to disintegrate in the first place. Since it may be difficult to discuss these things honestly on your own, the wisest thing would be to seek help from a professional marriage counselor, who can aid you in determining the factors that caused your relationship to fall apart. Since a counselor can be objective, he or she can help you define your areas of conflict and assist you in resolving your differences.

Step3

Take things slow. Never allow yourself to be pressured into rushing into a reconciliation. It takes time to rebuild trust and to learn to communicate with each other better. Jumping into renewing your marriage before you are ready for it could result in yet another failure of your relationship, so only make a commitment when both of you are really prepared to do so.

Step4

Learn to focus on the positive. Divorced/Separated couples are so used to putting the emphasis on the faults, mistakes and shortcomings of each other that they fail to remember all of the things that made them fall in love. Concentrate on each other's strengths and learn to appreciate your spouse's best qualities.

Step5

Communicate with each other. So many marriages disintegrate because a couple stops communicating with each other. Share your expectations, be honest, if you feel hurt, and be willing to listen to each other's point of view. Talk things out in a loving, respectful way and never let your anger get out of hand.

Step6

Forgive. Before you can proceed towards reconciliation, you and your spouse need to wipe the slate clean of past grudges and hurts. See your relationship as a new beginning and let go of old resentments.

Step7

Inform your family, only after your reconciliation is definite. Naturally, your children may be hoping for you and your spouse to get back together and if you raise their hopes prematurely, it could be devastating. Letting your spouse move back into your home too soon could cause confusion. When your relationship seems to be on more solid footing, then you can let your kids know that you and your ex-spouse plan to reunite.