I think that most people, like myself once, do not understand what it means to detach from our relationships. The verb itself (to detach) sounds so final.
de·tach–verb
- to unfasten and separate; disengage; disunite
How are any of those going to help me get closer to my spouse? I don’t want to separate; disengage; disunite from them. Just the opposite I want to attach, cling, and affix myself to them. I do not want to lose them. If I detach that means I am giving up, calling it quits, throwing in the tall. Forget detaching!!! I am holding on to the person I love, even tighter then ever before. Well my friend, that kind of thinking is going to sink your relationship faster than an iceberg sinking the Titanic.
Until you detach yourself from your spouse, you can not begin bailing the water out of your sinking ship. You have got to let them go in order to get them back. Does that sound counterproductive or even ignorant??? Well then let’s take a deeper look into what detachment is.
Detachment in a relationship is:
- Giving the space your spouse is asking for and respecting that space. Allowing them to be themselves and to do what THEY want to do. Giving them their freedom.
- Giving up the need to fix them, change them or control them. No matter how destructive or irrational, YOU think their actions may be.
- Accepting that YOU can not change or control your spouse.
- Becoming your own entity and not relying on your spouse or your relationship to make you feel complete.
- Creating your own independence and self worth.
- Letting go of the need to focus on what you believe to be your spouse’s errors or faults.
- Taking responsibility for your own actions, errors and faults.
- The Ability to love your spouse unconditionally and to expect nothing in return.
- Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than, who you "want them to be.''
- Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by your spouse.
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Posted by thruit
Today I will practice detachment by letting go of things. I can’t control. Detachment means standing back and looking at a situation without having a hand in it. Watching fireworks is practicing detachment. Flying a kite is not. Allowing friends the freedom to have their own opinions is practicing detachment. Feeling compelled to change their minds is not. Watching a child create her own drawing is practicing detachment. Holding her hand while she draws is not.
I can’t control other people, their actions, or their beliefs by forcing them to act or believe as I do. Detachment helps me see the big picture, since I can see things more clearly from a distance.
Today, and from now on, I will practice taking care of myself by detaching from people or situations that aren’t good for me.
Today I will pay close attention to when I am trying to force the issue, and I’ll remember that my time would be better spent leaving it alone.
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Detachment “Can You?” a.k.a. Let go or be dragged ...
Posted by Viveca
I was on this very topic yesterday with a friend. Her parting words were something like it sounded like a good idea but she had “never been good at detaching.” Hours went by before I had the “ah ha!” Detachment doesn’t come easily to anyone! It is one of the most difficult of all the Love Skills to master …
Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. Separating ourselves from the adverse affects of another person’s behavior can be a means of detaching: This does not necessarily require physical separation. Detachment can help us look at our situations realistically and objectively.
Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another’s behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We can still Love the person without liking the behavior.
~ Al-Anon Family Groups
Detachment means you can stop:
Suffering because of the actions or reactions of other people
Allowing yourself to be used or abused by others
Doing for others what they can do for themselves
Manipulating situations so others will eat, got to bed, pay bills, exercise, or do whatever you think they “should” do
Covering up for another’s mistakes or misdeeds
Creating a Crisis
Preventing a crisis if it is in the natural course of events
Detachment Practices:
SO = Significant Other a.k.a anyone who inspires your need to control or pushes your buttons * anger, fear, resentment … If they weren’t significant, you wouldn’t care!
Detach from your need to be right, smarter, better, …
Detach from your habit of anger, resentment, overwhelm, feeling taken advantage of …
What is your emotional habit? Everyone has one.
Detach from the habit of repressing and going “numb.”
Get “it” out in a healthy physical way…like working out, walking, gardening, posting on relationship forums, journaling… vs. an unhealthy way … like drinking, smoking, eating, ulcering, insomnia, hair loss ….
Detach from shutting down, literally, when you are in pain.
How do you shut down? Is it working for you?
Detach from the need to suffer in silence.
“Isolation is the darkroom in which we develop our negatives.” +
Finally … detachment is a Love Skill. Just like any skill – cooking (yikes!), hitting a killer backhand shot, and dancing Salsa - it requires practice and patience to master. We are programmed to worry, blame and try to control other people and situations. Just for today try something new and start building a life you’ll Love to share with that very special SO…
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What is detachment?
Posted by: Remez Sasson
There is some misunderstanding about the meaning of detachment. What is detachment? Does it mean being indifferent, lazy or lacking warmth and compassion? No, this is not true detachment!
True detachment is a state of not getting disturbed or agitated by external events and by yours and other people’s emotions and thoughts. It is a state of staying calm and in control of yourself and your moods in every situation, without feeling being harassed or hurried by people or circumstances.
Detachment shows itself in lack of attachment to the results of your actions, and in accepting the consequences of what you do. Instead of getting nervous, angry, agitated or unhappy, if things go wrong, you stay calm and try again. In this sense, detachment shows itself as inner peace, inner strength and courage.
A truly detached person would act, work study or do everything else with attention and to the best of his ability, without laziness or indifference, but also with full detachment as to the results. There is no waste of time and energy on thinking about the ‘why’ and ‘what if’.
You can make plans, work and live an active life, but yet, maintain an inner state of detachment. You can love, be happy and enjoy life, but be emotionally and mentally unaffected by circumstances, situations and people. It is a matter of attitude.
I know this might seem impossible for some people, but nothing is impossible with some training and inner work.
Improve your life with inner detachment.
Are you quick to get angry?
Are you easily affected by what people say or think about you?
Do your moods go up and down often?
Can an insignificant, unpleasant incident destroy your whole day?
Are you happy with this situation? Probably not!
The good news is that by developing some inner detachment, you can change this situation.
Most people allow external influences affect their moods and behavior, and do nothing to stop this state of affairs. Being emotionally affected by external situations and by what people say or do often brings needless unhappiness, anger and suffering. Yet, most people do not do anything about this state of affairs, because they regard it as a natural part of life.
Imagine how free, relieved and happy you would be, if you could stay calm and poised in the midst of whatever is happening in your life. Think how much physical, emotional and mental energy you could spare, if you were able to avoid being upset, angry or moody.
Emotional agitation, anger and hurt feelings bring a lot of distress and lead nowhere, except more pain, suffering and broken relationships. They disturb your mind, disrupt your concentration, and prevent you from focusing on the matters at hand. If you wish to enjoy inner peace, it is imperative that you try to gain at least some degree of inner detachment.
Possessing inner detachment does not mean that your life will be worry-free, and that nothing will ever disturb your inner poise. You will still encounter disturbing circumstances and disturbing people; however, your attitude toward them and the way you react would change.
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I hope the above information has given you anew perspective or outlook on what it means to detach from your spouse or your relationship. I know at first the idea sounded counter productive to me and I struggled with it for quite sometime. But, it was not until I truly began to detach, did I start to see things clearer, see things from my spouse’s perspective, get a clear head and the ability to think and put together my goals and how I was going to move forward. I hope you to can begin to detach and move forward with your goals and you’re new live. BECAUSE YOU TRULY CAN NOT UNTIL YOU DETACH!!!
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