Unable to detach!!!

What happens if we are unable to detach or if we think detaching is the wrong thing to do for our relationship. Let’s take a look at what can happen.

If you are unable to detach from our spouse than:

• They will feel controlled by you.
• They will feel pressured by you.
• They will feel manipulated by you.
• You run the risk of over obsessing on them and forgetting about yourself.
• You will run the risk of doing things or giving them things that YOU think they would want you to do or that they would want, when they do not.
• You will appear to be weak, clingy and needy.
• You will not be able to see that your spouse can do things for themselves and they are not as helpless as you think.
• You will be blinded be your own perception and assumptions about your spouse and your relationship.
• You will be obsessed with the need to be perfect and over accommodating, which will make you loose the real you.
• You may become controlled by anger, rage or resentment.
• You may become driven by guilt and emotional dependence.
• You will loose the ability to make rational, positive decisions.
• You will loose the ability to set goals for yourself and for your relationship.
• You will loose your self respect and self esteem.
• Worst of all YOU WILL push your spouse farther and faster away from you!!!

What are some irrational thoughts that lead to your inability to detach?

Posted on coping.org

• If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?
• They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement.
• You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them.
• They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now would be a crime.
• You need them as much as they need you.
• You can't control yourself because everyday you promise yourself "today is the day'' you will detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their needs.
• They have so many problems, they need you.
• Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love and care for a person. It's either 100% all the way or no way at all.
• If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.
• How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do more to help them.
• Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.
• You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?
• The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your life.
• If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems, and troubles.
• When they are in "trouble'' how can you ignore their "pleas'' for help? It seems cruel and inhuman.
• When you see people in trouble, confused, and hurting, you must always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.
• When you meet people who are "helpless,'' you must step in to give them assistance, advice, support, and direction.
• You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional, or physical, when another is in dire need of help.
• You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy and successful.
• You can never "give too much'' when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting, and care of those whom you love and cherish.
• No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must always be forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and support.
• Tough love is a cruel, inhuman, and anti-loving philosophy of dealing with the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love them more when they are in trouble since "love'' is the answer to all problems.
  

If you agree with any of the irrational thoughts above, on why you should not detach, then please go back to the top of this blog and re-read “If you are unable to detach from our spouse than” and then visit the blog titled "Detachment What Is It." You must detach!!!